Nothing...That is all I felt as I drifted in the complete blackness that surrounded me. I honestly could not tell whether my eyes were opened or closed, whether I was standing, flat on my back or, just floating. I couldn't feel ANYTHING, and I didn't care. The pure void that surrounded me and saturated every fiber of my being immediately took away the pain that had so obviously sent me here, but it did not take away my thoughts. It did not take away the knowing of what caused the pain that I was trying to escape from.
The comfort of knowing I couldn't feel was quickly extinguished when three little words crept across my mind in bright pink letters, as if they were a part of a gaudy neon sign on the front of an adult themed store.
I Love You...
Crying. That is all I could do was cry. I couldn't hear my wailing, or feel the hot tears that I knew must have been running down my face, but I knew they were there. In my all too palpable anguish I screamed out in to the blackness,
"Goddess! Goddess! I know you are there, answer me!"
Seconds turned into minutes, minutes felt as if they were hours. Then, there was a light. A soft blue, no purple, no...the colors did not matter. They changed continuously, but got brighter and closer as they did. Finally, a form. Tall...curves...hair flowing. The ultimate representation of beauty even before I could see her face. I knew it was HER. I knew it was the Goddess. As she approached, all the emotions that had been silenced, all of the pain and anger that had been smothered was now flooding back in, causing my already raw nerves to scream in agony. Getting a grip on the fast approaching reality that was hitting me, I finally looked up to see HER standing before me. A smile on her face, but eyes filled with sadness and concern.
"You called me my child. And I am here. What troubles you?"
Was she serious?! Was she fucking serious?!! Biting my tongue hard and feeling a small rivulet of blood running down the back of my throat, I chose my words carefully.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
She was playing coy, and pissing me off even further. I could feel the flames that so quickly overtook me in Delia's shop starting to creep up from my center of power and snake their way through my body.
"Why bring him into my life if I couldn't have him?! Why make me suffer like this?! Why bring me my love, my twin flame, and allow us to have one moment of utter bliss, and then have it smashed before it could even be realized?! What have I done to deserve this? What did I personally do to you or this fucked up universe in order to deserve...THIS?!!"
I was breathing hard, chest hurting, eyes stinging from my salty tears, and barely able to keep my rage in check and manifesting before the Goddess. And then, she spoke.
"You have a choice. Just as everyone does in life. And so does he. You two chose not to express the instant love you felt for each other the first time you met. You continued to deny that there was something else there other than friendship. You two took on others to be your mates, when deep down you knew that you would not be happy with them in the long run. I gave you so many openings to see that you were meant for each other, but YOU chose to ignore it."
I felt like I had been chastised like a child. But to her I was a child. I was HER child. And this was a lesson that she felt I needed to learn on my own. It still did not change the fact that I felt disgust not only towards her, but also towards myself. The only thing I could do was stand there head hung in defeat. Then, SHE began to speak again.
"J- you are at a crossroads right now. YOU must choose which way you will go. All I can do is guide you, but ultimately the choice is yours and yours alone to make. Just as it is his. You also have to look at how both of your mates will fare if you choose to fight for him. Then the question becomes are you really ready to hurt your husband in such a way that he may never recover? Remember...Do what you will, as long as it harm none."
"Screw You!"
It came flying out of my mouth before my mind had enough rational thought to stop it.
"Screw you and your rule! You knew this was going to happen. You know EVERYTHING! You see EVERYTHING! YOU are THE GODDESS. THE ALL! You could have guided me, guided S- better so that we wouldn't have made these mistakes and been able to have been happy and been with each other. But because of your precious need to 'allow us free will,' I am with a man that I truly do not love, and he is with a sodding half fairy, half...what ever the fuck she is, bitch! He does not love her. He is miserable. Utterly miserable. And because you refuse to step in, he is resolving himself to be with her and suffer, than to make waves and try to fight to be with me."
Her silence was not that of anger, but of a mother in sympathetic agony as she watched her wounded child begin to break from the excruciating pain. I could take it no longer. I let my rage show. The flames burst forth, and I glowed like a sun. Taking two fiery steps closer to her, I let her know the extent of my disgust with her.
"You are nothing more than a spoiled child who plays with dolls and watches the scenarios of her characters crashing and burning over and over again. You didn't create me, create man because you were lonely and wanted unconditional love from us, and share YOUR love and knowledge with us. You did it to fill your own sick sadistic needs to light the match, throw it, and watch the complete devastation, then come running in like some bloody saving grace."
The words dripped from my mouth like venom, and it felt good.
"No more! I am through with your so called guidance, your rules, and furthermore...I am DONE with you. Burn in Hades, bitch!"
With those last words, she looked as if she had been slapped in the face. A tear rolled down her cheek, and all I could do was smile, turn and walk away.
I awoke back in Delia's shop surrounded by floor pillows, my head pounding, and a burning sensation snaking it's way around and down the upper portion of my right arm. I turned my head slightly to get readjusted and try to sit up, but felt dizzy and moaned while collapsing back down on the pillows.
"Don't try to sit up. Just lay there." I heard Delia say.
"How long have I been out?"
"About 3 hours. I was about to drag you to the hospital myself, but C- came running in when he saw all of the damage on the street. You had us scared, kiddo."
I looked around for my husband. "Where is he now?"
"Out front picking up the larger shards of glass and putting them in the dumpster the city brought by."
"Glass...? Dumpster? What happened?"
"YOU happened. Don't you remember anything before you blacked out?"
Unfortunately I did. Every single last bit of it. And the shadows of those emotions had not yet faded. I could feel the fabric of a silk pillow sizzling beneath my hand. And a sharp stabbing pain on my right arm.
"What the fuck?" Looking down at my arm, I saw new markings. A rams head, it's eyes aflame, nostrils flared, and thin snakes wrapped ever so intricately around my arm flanking either side of this majestic animal. I felt it's strength. It's power. And, I knew that I was going through a major change and the process would not be pretty.
"My Goddess..."
"Don't! Don't ever mention that sorry excuse of a mother, a deity to me ever again."
"What happened?" Delia asked as she quickly brought a water soaked towel to wrap around my hands, and remove her singed silk pillows before I completely destroyed them.
"Nothing. Nothing at all."
"But..."
"Leave it, Delia." The words echoed the menace that shone from my eyes. She winced in shock and slight fear, then backed away from the topic all together.
Taking a deep breath, I steadied myself, got up and walked to the front of the store. C- was coming around the corner of the shop front, saw me and came running to wrap his arms around me. With one quick flick of my hand I erected a wall of power to block him from approaching me. Both he and Delia looked puzzled. All I could say was, "not now." Then, while standing in the sunlight that was streaming in through the broken windows I whispered ancient words renewal, the air shimmered, and all the glass shards, pieces, and dust lifted from the floor and reassembled into their proper places. Happy with the results, I turned and stopped to see looks of wonderment and trepidation on their faces."
"What is wrong with you two now?"
They both said, "you eyes..."
"My eyes what?
Delia, swallowing hard continued, " Your eyes are nothing but fire."
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