0 - The Fool...

I got up this morning, and felt like my body was nothing but a block of lead. Everything that I had been through the past few weeks was still weighing heavy not only on my mind, but my heart as well. Arguments replayed in my mind, the lingering feeling of warm embraces skittered across my skin, and the silence...the silence is what was killing me the most. It was like a diamond coated drill bit tearing through the already bruised and tattered flesh that was my heart.

I sat up feeling unbalanced, and looking at my pillow knowing the bliss of sleep would wipe away the pain I was feeling at that moment, but I couldn't. Had too much to do. The clock with it's lime green lighting was showing me I was yet again going to be late for a job I truly cared nothing about. "But," I said to myself, "it helps to pay the bills, and I get health care coverage." So I slid out of bed and was about to walk to the bathroom, when my foot stubbed a small red cloth bag on the floor. I picked up the familiar little satchel and felt comforted from the feel of the thin flat pieces of card that slid around semi-loosely within.

Opening the bag, I let the cards slide into my waiting hand. The energy that slithered through them was faint, but I could definitely sense it. I made a mental note that I needed to charge them before the next full moon. Their energy should not have been that weak. Closing my eyes, I went within myself, tuned out the senseless banter of Al Roker and the rest of the Today Show team, quieted and centered my mind and spirit.

"Goddess, please help me see what I need to, and let all other thoughts and emotions not cloud my reading."

Opening my eyes, I shuffled the deck. Faster and faster my hands moved with a rhythm that mimicked my own heart beat. Finally, after I had an inner STOP sign come up, I stopped. And then I cut the deck three times, and re-stacked it in a blind fashion. Taking a deep breath, I pulled the card that was on the top of the deck. 0 - The Fool The very first card in any tarot deck. It notifies the reader of new beginnings/new journeys. A leap of faith. It hit home...hard. My mind wandered to the questions that a sister witch, a priestess asked me just two days prior. My response to her at that time was, "I don't know...I just don't know what I will choose." She then told me that I really needed to go through each question and answer it honestly , not for her, not for anyone else, but to answer the questions with complete honesty for myself. That is the only way that I would know what I truly wanted, and how to go about getting it.

I knew, at that point what I wanted. What I NEEDED. And that was a chance to be truly happy. No, to choose my own happiness. For so long I had been living for others. My family, the person I had bound myself to...Everything I did was to make them happy, or to give them what they wanted or needed at various moments, but not once had I done anything for myself. I needed this chance to choose my own happiness, and I knew with the appearance of this card in my reading, that today was the day that I would go about getting what I wanted.

Putting the cards back up in their bag, I thanked the Goddess, stripped out of my night shirt, and walked into the bathroom. Turning on the shower to my usual steam bath level, I climbed in, and let the hot water hit every inch of my body from my face, down my breasts to my stomach , and finally to my feet. I washed away the pain and anger that had been filling me for so long, I washed away the despair and tears that had been writing it's own story across my face. And when I stepped out, I was shiny, and new ready to take that first step towards my goal.

I was ready for my journey. I knew it was not going to be an easy one. I knew that I was going to have to face some really difficult moments before finally seeing the light, but I...WAS...READY. And THAT was all that mattered.